Wednesday, October 22, 2014

The Liver and The Heart of Anger

As I mentioned in my previous post, I've recently stepped up my detoxing program. Literally, I'm detoxing in ways I've never experienced before and I'd consider myself a detox expert. My primary focus is to detox my liver using coffee enemas 1-3x a day up to the point where I either feel changes or have scans of my uterus and ovaries that showcase the change(s).

A LITTLE BACKGROUND ON MY SITUATION:

My body has created a fibroid and a polyp in my uterus. And my body seems to like pearls as much as I do and it has strung strands of pearl-like cysts all around bother ovaries. While the cysts, fibroid and polyp aren't "sizeable," they aren't small either. And over the course of the past 2 years my symptoms have gotten to a point where I have to do something about it. I suffer so much and the pain has reached an unbearable point.

 Of course my GYN wants to wisk me away into surgery..... and a biposy. Well, that is what she wanted to do back in May when I saw her. In fact, in a matter of 3 minutes, she managed to not remember for the umpteenth time that I don't have kids (she thinks 2 or 3 each visit) and drew a quick and quite ugly pic of my uterus and the "blobs" as I call them and then said with all giddiness, "you are in luck, I happen to have a cancellation tomorrow.... at 10:30am, I know it's last minute, but lets get those out of there."

WHOA - WTF?? These people. The MDs - ugh.  

SURGERY? TOMORROW? AND A BIOPSY?

Seriously, it's crazy how the mind can zero in on the stress of a possible pre-cancer/cancer scare. I can't help but go there! And I know it didn't help my already crazy high - ER admitting high BP. 

Luckily, my BP was mega high pre-surgery recommendation : 170/120.

The hypertension is a symptom that after a crazy course of cardiovascular tests, CT scans and a Renal Arterial Scan called by my super nice, super educated, super cute and super open to natural healing, Cardiovascular Doc (Dr. Alex Jackson) says is more than likely from the high Testosterone Levels caused by the cysts on my ovaries (PCOS).

And of course - my heart guy asked my why neither the GYN nor the Endocrinologist (total Dud!) are not addressing this?! Seems every doc, except my super cute heart guy, want to either operate or point fingers and say that isn't their thing - like the Endo who said high testosterone levels and PCOS are a gynie thing - seriously? What about addressing the entire endocrine system vs just the pancreas where you can prescribe meds?! Can we talk about the metabolic syndrome as an entire endocrine system meltdown?! Oh wait - that is my world - my ND work.  Nevermind MDs...  (sorry, soap box and I digress....)

The only saving grace this high BP has yielded: my overzealous GYN took back her eager offer for next day surgery and said we needed to get that under control and then ordered an in office biospy and intrauterine saline ultrasound that will identify size, location and type of uterine tissue she would need to remove.

This last element is one I'm waiting to put off as long as I can as I heal myself. I'd prefer to prove them that there is a better way - a non-surgical way to heal.  And I just don't like the idea of invasive biopsies. UGH!

So each month my cycle arrives, I experience pain and symptoms like extreme fatigue, dizziness, crazy cramping - the kind where it feels like there is an alien trying to tear me apart from the inside out.  I sometimes cannot stand or sit up straight and I now have to take a "sick" day and spend the majority of a day soaking in my hot bath and curled up in bed with hot packs sipping herbal teas and using homeopathic medicine to try to cut the pain.  I prefer not to take pain meds - don't like the idea of advil or any pain reducing medication.  It's just not me.

LIVER DETOXING & ANGER

Okay, so back to my liver and this detoxing..... I have to tell you it's been 5 days now and I've been diligently doing my 3 coffee enemas a day.  Holding for min of 15minutes, sometimes more - sometimes less.

As I have been doing this I've been feeling a lot of emotions- anxiety particularly and grief and ANGER.  Wow-serious anger!  Both the anxiety and anger are liver rooted- at least in the emotional sense.  Organs and glands have specific emotional properties.  The chinese way of viewing healing and medicine is to connect each organ and gland to our emotional state.  It's all connected really.

My liver is quite sluggish and slowly operating.  My love of wine probably doesn't help - not that I polish off a bottle a night- but have enjoyed my glasses of wine and even liquor beverages when out with friends more often than not.

Simply put- I feel like my liver is my heart of darkness - a sludgy, dark, seedy battle ground that has held in anger from my childhood, relationship with my parents, frustration about work, finances, anger about past bosses and people I hired, deep anger about breakups and an untapped mound of anger over the passing of my beloved Gram- my one true mother and champion.  My liver has wounds- it has words and phrases etched into each corner - sometimes from my own thoughts and mostly from those of others who have hurt me.

If my liver were a car, it'd need an oil change PRONTO - in fact it'd probably need an all new oil system with new filters.  In fact, that car wouldn't function it'd be so toxic.

My toxicity is hormonal and from toxic chemicals and heavy metals.  I've tested all these.  But deeper and probably more imporant to address is I'm emotionally toxic.

If I get real with myself, I'm really ANGRY!  I am ANGRY at certain people from my past and I'm ANGRY at the universe.  And I put on a happy face and act like I'm not angry because it's really not becoming is it? An Angry person.  No one wants to hear about your anger, well only your therapist, but really people want happiness, sweetness and smiles.  Luckily, I have an amazing therapist I see weekly, who lets me release, and cry and yell.

And so here I am - detoxing my liver.  And as I do this - I'm detoxing my emotions - feelings are percolating - and it's really interesting.  If you choose to do this- be aware-- detoxing is like a pandora's box.  Things start making their way up to be dealt with - weather you want to or not.

My loving Gram, Irene Gallagher
I don't think I have really gotten over a few major events in the last 10 years that are necessary for me to address - especially the death of my Gram.

I remember being in a shocked daze just hours after she passed (2a) and was back at work that morning(8a), at my center greeting clients as they came in to my center.  I remember one client, as she walked in, taken aback by me being there and while I couldn't manage being there and not being an emotional wreck, I didn't know what to do with myself- and I had been out of work for a week and desperately needed to tend to my client schedule. I stuffed that grief until one summer day months later I broke down in my shower sobbing - uncontrollably and still I have more to release.  I miss that woman more than I can describe and losing her is a loss that have left a whole in my heart and in my soul.

Even as I type this- I can't help but cry and I'm allowing it all to pass through and out of my vs. holding it in.  It's better that way.
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