Monday, October 20, 2014

Getting Real, Getting Authentic - Opening the Kimono For the First Time

Shit is getting real! Pardon my french! But in all authenticity - it's time for me to open my Kimono to the world and reveal my journey.

So here goes... (this is really, quite frightening)

Writing from My Home Office
Hi! My name is Melissa.  My friends call me Mel. I'm 36. I live on the water in Sunny, FL.  I'm trying to heal my body so I can avoid surgery on my uterus in an attempt to remove a Uterine Fibroid and a Uterine Polyp in order to save my fertility. I am a single lady and I want to get married and have kids before I turn 40 - and not exactly in that order either.... Currently I am a fur mama - 4 fur babies whom I ADORE!

I'm a Naturopath.  I own my own practice and the financial stress of being a business owner is my biggest stress - in fact it's part of what is causing my current health crisis.  I wear every hat and some of those hats I don't like, so I choose not to wear them (not always a good choice).

While I juice quite a bit and eat organic fruits and veggies, I am a closet sugar addict.  I crave Kit Kats in a way that scares me- I would steal a kit kat bar from a child.  I have driven to the store just to load up on my supply -- hmmmm, typing this- I want one right now! Sometimes I have great moments of discipline and then others I have ZERO will power.  I can eat an entire bag in one setting.  Oh and let's not leave out chocolate chip cookie dough.... even in all it's gluten-free gloriousness, 7 clean ingredients delightfulness - LOVE! I easily turn into a cookie monster when it comes to chocolate chip cookies.  One cookie nor one spoonful of dough does the trick.... No joke! Its like the sugar craving takes control of my mind.

At the current moment, I am not exercising at all and running like I know I need to. Simply put, I don't feel like it.  Laziness has won.  My couch and netflix marathons after a long, busy day in the office win over an invigorating visit to the gym now 100% of the time. I even will take my dogs to the dog park for exercise versus walk them around the neighborhood.  I'm avoiding the muscular pain and cardio my body needs. 

I don't always handle stress well.  Actually, I don't do well with stress.  And I can say I have had some CRAZY stress over my life.  Some acute (death, breakups) and some long term (family, finances, health).

This year, I've come to terms with the fact that I am a stress induced anorexic.  Actually this was quite a shocking realization - for myself and my therapist.  Seriously!  She was floored as I told her one day as I had spent some time digging into the root cause of my current health situation. I had that AHA moment, you know where you suddenly see everything clearly.  I guess I have been in major denial about this and had done a great job in concealing this from not only myself but others.

Sadly, I cannot remember a time when stressed that I didn't refuse food, didn't refuse nourishment and didn't stop eating "normally" - and when I say this, I mean - age 6,  age 9, age 12, age 16, age 24, age 29, age 33..... And my childhood was extremely stressful.  When I have any increased degree of stress, my appetite ceases to exist.  I have lost 5-8lbs in a weeks time of intense stress.  It's probably what has helped me stay thin and trim. I have lived in a chronically mild/moderately stressed state for over 3 decades.

At 5'8", my lowest recorded weight was 108 and that was during my first health crisis (2003)- the pivotal one that launched me into seeking my masters and doctorate and eventually what propelled me to start my own business in the summer of 2007.

Ironically, I eat super clean and sometimes only juice during stressful times, I don't take in a ton of calories and end up starving myself.  My warped thinking has revolved around that fact, as a nutritionist, I recognize I need core micronutrients, and juicing is the most powerful way for me to get some degree of nutrient content to combat the stress induced anorexia.

Instead of an emotional eater, I'm an emotional starver.

 [ typing this - I really cannot believe it sounds as bad as it does typing it - I STARVE myself... I DEPRIVE myself of necessary nourishment....YIKES!]   

It's really a horrible habit and I'm working on this.  It helps I've actively been decreasing the levels of unhealthy and stress inducing relationships, work activities and lifestyle choices that trigger this behavior.  

I'm sure many reading this would love to have that happen - drop 5-8bs in a week or just lose your appetite- but I am living proof it's so unhealthy and detrimental to the status of my metabolic state.  I'm paying the price for poor stress management and coping skills and a serious lack of self love. My body and integral metabolic systems to maintain my health have paid the price. 

I'm a serious right brainer.... I'm messy and organization is something I have trouble with daily.  I suffer from a major case of perfectionism and procrastination.  I don't get things done and won't even start them because of a fear it won't be perfect.  It's crazy sounding, but it's sometimes debilitating and definitely impacts my work. 

A-N-D....... drum roll.....I'm a mess.  Really, I feel like I am broken on the inside - in so many ways.

I feel broken emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.  And this is really sad to me.  I have so many blessings and have been blessed by so much, but I often feel something is missing and lacking.  I feel stuck.  Like I know what I need to do to get better, to feel better, to heal  - but I just can't get the energy to do it.  And while I see a therapist/life coach weekly, I'm still stuck. 

Ugh.  I know that an element of my own healing requires me to live and be my truth and through that I'll then be able to grow and change and my reality will be what I dream.

While that sounds all zen, philosophical and all woo-woo - I truly believe the principle that we all have the power to manifest our reality. I know it because I have seen this work almost magically in my life.

It's been easy for me to hide behind my business, my work and the "education" I provide to my clients.  A year ago I made a BIG step and re-branded, downsized my business and refocused and the yield was to brand myself with my business.  I am my brand and I am my business.  But - to be honest, it didn't feel authentic.   I didn't feel authentic - up until this weekend......

So, I have to tell you about my weekend!!  This weekend I engaged in the most intense detoxification plan I've ever created for myself.  And boy am I detoxing - physically, mentally and emotionally.  I have had some cries, some major anxiety and the most amazing, restful sleep I've had in a long while.

I decided as I was doing one of many coffee enemas (I'll leave that for another post!) it dawned on me that I am not living an authentic life.  I am not being ALL of me - and as a 7 year blogger/business owner/healer I've yet to really step into the role that has been intended for me to BE.

So here I am... Melissa G. - just me. Kimono open.  Real.  Broken.  Healing.  But Authentic.

Here's to wellness!
~xoxo Mel

P.S. in all authenticity, as I edit this piece and as my uber healthy couscous veggie stuffed zucchini heats in the over for lunch, I am ENJOYING a little sweet treat wrapped in red that beings with K!  Lovely... Melissa 0, Sugar 1.
Post a Comment